The verbal abuse at work is killing me!

What’s your strategy for verbal abuse at work?

Your Rant: There is a person at work who is incredibly abusive to me. I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work.

911 Repair:

When I read your e-mail I though thought of Bob (no relation), an old elementary school classmate. Bob was the master of “The Mirror.” When someone insulted him, Bob would say, “Mirror, you’re the (and then he repeated whatever they’d just called him).”

OK, this is not the most creative approach. But believe it or not, there is something that can be said for simply holding up a mirror to an abusive person. I’ve listed a few other strategies below. For more, check out “You Can’t Talk to Me That Way!” by Arthur Bell (Career, 2005).

Can you repeat it? Have you ever said something and only realized it was dumb when someone repeated it back to you? OK, maybe it is my Jersey upbringing, but I’ve done this more times than I care to remember. One great way to neutralize an abusive person is to simply mirror it back to them. It’s not foolproof, but it’s one tool to carry in your toolbox.

Can you bring along a witness? It’s not easy to always travel with a posse at work, but it’s worth a try if your nemesis is someone you don’t see on a regular basis. Having a witness can calm them down, or if it doesn’t, at least now it’s not just your word against theirs.

Can you get someone on your side? If you know that you will be dealing with an abusive person, it’s a good idea to enlist support. Three places to start — Human Resources, your boss or your union. All can provide advice and possible ammunition for dealing them (although probably not the kind of ammunition that you’d prefer). It’s usually better to let key players know of a potential problem in advance rather than after the fact.

Can you take charge? Sometimes you can take charge of the conversation. Start talking about your past challenges and suggest a way to address each other in the future that can avoid past problems. One possibility, try, “Since we’ve had some problems talking in the past, how about if we try to do more of our communications via e-mail for a while. Maybe this will create a more constructive dialogue between us.”

Can you walk away? Sometimes a person is just beyond reasoning with. This may not always be an option, but sometimes it is the only way to deal with someone who has only bile for you.

Can you really walk away? I don’t believe that a paycheck is worth the kind of abuse that people have written to me about through the years. It just isn’t. I do maintain that there are sane bosses and sane companies out there. It’s your job to find ‘em.

If only more organizations held up a mirror to the abusers in their midst, we could all experience a saner workplace.

Workplace 911 Pulse:

How do you deal with abuse at work?

• I give it, 0 percent
• I take it, 20.6 percent
• I avoid it, 20.6 percent
• I stand up to it, 58.6 percent

User Generated:

“I carry a tape recorder with me at work — chalk it up to my failing memory. A co-worker used to give me a lot of grief. One day I taped him, then offered to play it back for him. It was amazing. He was on the best behavior from then on. I’m not sure everyone can pull off this one, but it sure worked for me.”

Bob Rosner and Sherrie Campbell author the weekly internationally-syndicated workplace911 column. Bob’s a best-selling author and award-winning journalist who has personally responded to over 50,000 emails. Sherrie’s a relationship expert and award-winning comedian who has offered quick, intuitive and humorous responses to over 30,000 people. He’s been called “Dilbert, with a solution.” She’s the counselor with a kick. Watch our 911 team of consultants, authors, counselors and comedians—namely Bob & Sherrie—tackle the nastiest work wrecks in organizations and via seminars, TV, radio, newspapers, books, web sites and live on workplace911.com.