Stopping a feud with a co-worker

How would you end a feud with a co-worker? 

Your Rant: I’ve had a long standing feud with a co-worker. I’m starting to think that it might be time to end it, but I don’t even know where to start. TRUCE

911 Repair:

Your e-mail reminded me of the 22-year-old man who robbed a Vancouver, Wash., Chevron station. He successfully eluded police after a high speed getaway. Unfortunately, he got lost and decided to stop at a gas station to get directions. Yep, you guessed it. He went back to the same Chevron station he’d robbed. He was quickly arrested.

Unfortunately, this guy isn’t the only person who is paying the price for revisiting the scene of a crime. You and your co-worker seem to be stuck in a similar vicious cycle. I’ve listed some tips below to take your relationship to a better place. For more, check out Tim Ursiny’s “Coward’s Guide to Conflict” (Source, 2003).

Did you start your relationship off on the wrong foot? Just because a relationship is pointed in the wrong direction, it doesn’t have to continue that way. Some of my best friends and I started off on the wrong foot. And maybe that’s why the relationships have turned out so well; once a relationship is reclaimed, chances are that both of you will appreciate it more. The best first step? Offer to buy them coffee or lunch. I’ve found a little generosity can go a long way.

Are you big enough to let a grudge die? The energy it takes to tend a grudge is much better spent getting your work done. Reliving a perceived wrong over and over in your mind or gossiping about it to others is the only way to keep a grudge thriving. Try to starve grudges, not feed them.

Do the two of you have differences in style? Have someone suggest a great idea that you would have never thought of in a million years? Chances are that their brain is wired differently than yours or they’ve had different experiences or their strengths are different from yours. Whatever their origin, differences in style are something that should be appreciated and embraced, not resisted.

Are either of you being selfish? Outside of Mother Teresa, most of us have our selfish moments. If you’re the one acting selfishly, try to stop. If the other person is, rather than focusing on one selfish act, it’s important to remember all the people who’ve let you back in their good graces after you’ve done something negative. Return the favor by being more charitable now.

What if you reach out and you are rebuffed? Everyone has a bad day. If the relationship is important, and what relationship at work isn’t?, then you might have to resign yourself to having to offer multiple olive branches. Look for opportunities to do a good deed and the chances are that your efforts will be rewarded.

Follow these tips and your relationship at work won’t be driving in circles, it will be pointed in the right direction.

Bob Rosner and Sherrie Campbell author the nationally syndicated workplace911 column weekly. Bob’s a best-selling author and award-winning journalist who has responded to over 50,000 emails from employees, bosses and entrepreneurs. Sherrie’s a relationship expert and award-winning comedian who has offered quick, intuitive and humorous responses to over 30,000 people. He’s been called “Dilbert, with a solution.” She’s the counselor with a kick. Together they’ve turned rants into raves via TV, radio, print and live on their website at workplace911.com.